How to Make a Werewolf Explode
by feisty firecracker
Summary: i think it's rather self-explanatory. read up on how to annoy your 'favourite' werewolf. : rated t because emmett's got a dirty mouth.


**Well. Now that we've got annoying Edward out of the way, let's concentrate on 'everyone's favourite werewolf'. And who better to inflict this misery upon Jacob than my favourite character, Emmett Cullen. :)**

**And I just realized that I forgot a disclaimer for 21 ways gasp. I own nothing, except the ways to annoy people. insert angelic smile here**

Hey, I've got to find a way to amuse myself too, don't I? Alice enjoys pissing Edward off, I get my kicks driving the werewolf up the wall. And let's face it, after all the shit that mutt pulled on Bella, he deserves it. So now I'm gonna find a way to make his life hell. Or maybe a few ways…. Depends on how long Jasper and Edward are on this anti-wrestling stint….

#1 Invite him to play ball with you, name Bella captain, and have her pick Edward first.

#2 Casually ask him if he's going to Edward and Bella's wedding.

#3 Whenever you smell _anything _bad, no matter what it is, wrinkle your nose and say, "Eww, it smells like wet dog." Get Bella to do it too.

#4 Hum Bella's lullaby whenever you're around him and then ask him if he's written her anything lately.

#5 Look at his car – the one he so laboriously reconstructed – and start snickering uncontrollably.

#6 Bring up Bella's decision as often as you can.

#7 Invite him to Edward's bachelor party.

#8 Inform him that there will be no future problems with him 'panting after Sam' because Leah finally imprinted. On him.

#9 Ask him what he's going to give Bella and Edward as a wedding gift.

#10 Ask him how much longer he'll be on crutches.

#11 When he comes near you, fend him off with a silver spoon. Just because it's a _spoon_.

#12 Pull out a tennis ball and ask him if he wants to play fetch.

#13 Buy him a sweater for Christmas. Or his birthday. Or both.

#14 Steal Bella's bracelet and toss it into a fire, right in front of him, laughing as the little wooden wolf goes up in flames and the heart remains perfect.

#15 Ask him if you're the only one who can see the symbolism there.

#16 Tell him messy hair isn't going to make Bella like him. Besides, Edward's the only one who can pull it off.

#17 Repeatedly ask him _why_ he ruined Bella's life.

#18 Buy a shock collar for him and zap him anytime he gets too close to Bella.

#19 Ask him why, if it was so easy for him to kill Laurent, he couldn't take care of a simple female like Victoria.

#20 Tell him that you heard Edward's a better kisser than he is. And he doesn't even have to attack people to get them to kiss him back.

#21 Tell him that Alice gained the ability to see werewolves' futures.

#22 Tell him he should consider therapy. This deep-seated jealousy he has for a vampire can't possibly be healthy.

#23 Tell him your furnace broke and ask him if he'll stand in the boiler room until the repairmen come.

#24 Whenever he mentions Quil, look confused then, with a look of dawning comprehension, say, "Oh, yeah, the pedophile, right?"

#25 Ask if you can come with him sometime to howl at the moon.

#26 Call him 'Chief' all the time. Or 'Chief Jacob'. Whichever.

#27 Cock your head and squint at him in concentration, and when he asks you what you're doing just say, "Funny, you don't look a bit like King Solomon. Besides, I thought he was _wise_."

#28 Tell him he sure picked a convenient time to go religious.

#29 Casually refer to him as King Sol from now on.

#30 Ask him what he thinks about the 10 Commandments – "Do not covet."

#31 Start a gambling pool, wagering on the age of the girl he'll imprint on.

#32 Speculate aloud on his statement that Bella is his soul mate, wondering why, if that's true, he hasn't imprinted on her.

#33 Buy some flea shampoo and give it to him, telling him he's been looking a bit 'itchy' lately.

And there you have it. Esmé wanted me to do something productive with my time; I don't think I let her down. What's more productive than figuring out a load of ways to annoy the hell out of that mutt? And who easier to annoy than someone who'll freak out over pretty much anything?

**Woohoo! So yeah, I figured if I came up with a list of ways to annoy Edward, who I am in love with, then I definitely needed to come up with some ways to annoy Jacob. shudder he deserves it. :) R&R please! And let me know if you have any others you'd like me to annoy. :) And in case you haven't noticed, I'm most definitely on Team Edward. **

**And go R&R Shattered, damnit! I don't care if you only read Twilight. I'm not putting up any more chapters until I get some reviews!**


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